Ever heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?
Well done if you have—probably thanks to TikTok, right?
If you hadn’t, don’t worry—I hadn’t either until about six months ago, when I finally had 'me too' moments after seeing about five TikToks on the subject.
What is it?
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is the real or perceived feeling of rejection, which makes you feel like an elephant came along and kicked you in the chest.
Yes, it's totally normal to feel upset when we experience rejection—it’s hardwired into us as humans to fit in. What isn’t so normal, is feeling intense emotional pain triggered by rejection, disapproval or teasing from seemingly insignificant things. Like someone not replying to your message, not being picked for a project (When you're too busy anyway but you really wanted to be picked because then you're not too rubbish to do the project even though you didn't want to do the project anyway!), or even not meeting your own (Impossibly) high standards.
RSD isn’t exclusive to ADHD, but experts say that 99% of people with ADHD experience it at some point, and for over a third, it’s the hardest part of living with the condition. Fun, right?
What really shocked me though, is that despite scientists identifying RSD more than 50 years ago, it's only in the last few years that it’s been recognised as a key aspect of ADHD. That delay means clinicians still often misdiagnose RSD as things like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, or depression. The result? People end up with treatments that don’t address the root issue and can even be very damaging, impacting on their relationships, work, and self-esteem. With ADHD adults 5x more likely to attempt suicide, it’s clear that the emotional toll of untreated RSD can be devastating. That’s why awareness is so crucial.
What does it feel like?
It’ll be different for everyone experiencing it, and it’s really really hard to describe what you feel like. I did a Google search in the hope that someone has cracked the code, but Google also agreed it’s really hard to describe. Thanks Google.
But…I did find a list of “Symptoms” which might be helpful. I’ve put them in the footnotes so we can get to the nitty gritty quicker.
In the hope that it might be helpful, I thought I’d give you some examples (There are millions, but don’t worry, I’ll only share two) of what it’s like for me*
Embarrassing example number 1: I’ve been working on a complex and challenging project, and it’s been a winding path of changing expectations due to things outside of my control.
I’ve produced the final document and sent it off for review. Along with a few suggested changes and lots of “This is amazing” comments, I also get a Teams message saying “Hi Yasmin: Have you got 5 mins for a call…”.
Rational thoughts are that this person has been told its great, just needs a few changes and they want a chat, aww that’s nice. All positive right? Well, my brain completely ignores the nice comments because that can’t be true, and says “The work was terrible, and I’m stupid for missing the bits people had to point out I’d missed, and now someone wants a word with me to tell me I’m s**t and I am fired”.
A wave of heat hits my body, my heart races, my throat feels tight, and I can’t focus on anything else other than “You’re never good enough”. Oh, and I got up at 4:30am quite a few times to make this work “PERFECT”, so I’m also exhausted.
Spoiler alert, the person did just want to say the work was great and start talking about another project. But you probably already knew that right?
Embarrassing example number 2 (If you’re still reading, this one will be shorter I promise. If you already gave up reading because it was too long and boring, argh the pain (Joking…kind of)): I haven’t seen a friend for a while as life has been stupidly busy. So I send a message to them and say “Hey, how are you, fancy meeting up soon?”. Then I don’t hear back in 5 minutes….10 minutes….4 hours….a day…..”.
Rational brain again: They’re busy, just like me, be patient. My head “Oh god, they hate me, they don’t want to see me, they hadn’t got in touch before because they didn’t want to spend time with me and were relieved that they didn’t have to again”. I get the same feelings as before, plus I’m sad that I miss them and hit with guilt that I should have contacted them before.
Then they message back and say “Hi, so good to hear from you, sorry I haven’t messaged before, it’s been so busy and [this bad thing] happened recently and it would be lovely to meet up. I could really do with your help on what to do”. Obviously…. not rejected at all, quite the opposite**.
Silly right? Well, it's very real and not very nice to live with. Oh and most people wouldn’t know either, cos it’s all internalised behind a well crafted mask***.
Why does it matter?
It can have a big effect to your life. For me, it has caused me to leave jobs because I thought I wasn’t good enough and my oh so helpful brain showed me all the “Evidence” of why I wasn’t good enough, based on perceived rejection. In reality, I was good enough, more than good enough in fact. One colleague said to me “Yasmin, I have noticed that you leave before you get to experience the incredible impact of what you’ve achieved” and she was absolutely right (I still left the job).
I miss out on so much because I don’t let myself believe I’m good enough (There’s a whole other bit of ADHD coaching that I might write about one day). It has also stopped me contacting people I’d love to spend time with, it has held me back in doing the things I love doing, and on a deeper level it has held me back from feeling happy, loved, accepted and probably from doing more amazing stuff (maybe).
What can you do about it?
Well, in the absence of someone coming along with a magic wand and saying "abracadabra, alacazam, your rejection sensitivity dysphoria has disappeared in a van" (I didn’t get picked for Hogwarts either) you kinda have to learn to live with it.
But the good news is that there are things you can do to handle it better. It's all about learning to manage it when RSD rears its ugly head and punches you in the gut. Here are a few tips that I know about which might help you, whether it’s your own RSD, or you’re trying to help a colleague, friend, or loved one.
1. Catch the Narrative
When RSD hits, your brain starts spinning these awful stories that feel so real: “They hate me,” “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never be successful.” It’s so easy to get lost in those thoughts. A game-changer here is learning to catch the narrative—recognise when your brain is going down that road.
Example: Let’s say you send a message and don’t get a reply. Your mind might immediately go, “They’re ignoring me because they don’t like me.” Pause, catch that thought, and ask yourself: Is that really true? Or am I assuming something?
2. Write It Down
Sometimes, putting your thoughts on paper can work wonders. Writing (Or drawing) helps you see the patterns in the triggers and your reactions, and it can give you a clearer perspective. You might start noticing how often you spiral into RSD, and even just realising that can make a big difference.
In the example above, the trigger is getting no reply to a text, the reaction is rejection. But with that written down for future you to review, you can start to see the trigger quicker so can “catch the narrative.”
3. Talk About It
RSD can feel isolating, like you’re the only one dealing with it, but that’s not true. Talking about it with someone who understands—whether it’s a friend, therapist, or coach—can take away some of its power. When you share how you’re feeling, you might be surprised at how many people have gone through the same thing.
Next time you’re in the middle of an RSD spiral, reach out to someone you trust and say, “I know this might sound irrational, but I feel really rejected right now.” Often, just saying it out loud reduces the intensity.
4. Accept or Distance Yourself
Accepting your emotions without trying to judge or fight them can make dealing with rejection a lot easier. The trick is to start by simply acknowledging what you're feeling, without trying to fix or change it right away. It takes practice, but over time, it can give you clarity and help dial down the self-criticism.
I know it’s not always easy though, especially if you also have alexithymia or past trauma, so you might need help to work out what you are feeling and how that shows up for you.
If accepting your emotions feels impossible, emotional distancing can help. This means looking at the situation from an outsider's perspective, as if you’re watching a film of yourself. Sometimes just seeing things from that observer’s point of view can help take the sting out of the emotions.
5. Regulate Your Emotions
When RSD kicks in, your emotions can hit like a freight train, making it hard to think straight. That’s where emotional regulation techniques come in. Simple things like deep breathing or grounding exercises can help calm your system and give you space to respond, not react.
Try this: Take a few slow, deep breaths, or use the "5-4-3-2-1" grounding technique (name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste). It might sound simple, but it helps break the cycle of overwhelming emotions.
Are you finished yet Closing thoughts
So, while RSD can feel like a huge obstacle, it’s not all doom and gloom. The more you understand it, the better you can manage it. Learning to catch those negative thoughts, practicing emotional regulation, and talking about your experiences can make a world of difference. You don’t have to deal with it alone. Asking for help, whether it’s from a friend, therapist, or coach, is one of the most empowering things you can do.
And if you don’t struggle with RSD yourself (I’m not at all jealous!), but know someone who does, being patient, listening without judgment, and offering support can be invaluable. The experience of RSD can be really isolating, so showing empathy and understanding goes a long way.
I was told that “Although you can’t stop the strong tidal wave from coming, you can learn how to surf it”. So, I have every belief that you can too (I’m not going to say because you’re amazing, because that’s a given and you won’t listen anyway, but just know that you are every bit strong enough to do it). Good luck!
Thought Detours
*Thanks ChatGPT: I have wanted to write something about this for a while, but I thought no one would want to read it, or if anyone actually did, they would think I was a weirdo. So last night I typed into ChatGPT “I want to write about RSD but I think no one will read it”. It said “Memory updated” (Always freaks me out!) then changed the way it responded from functional to “It's completely understandable to worry that no one will like what you write, especially with the challenges of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). However, let's work through that fear together, because it's something that often holds many people back from sharing their valuable insights and stories. Here’s how to move forward even if this fear feels overwhelming:
1. Understand that Not Everyone Has to Like It: You don’t have to please everyone, instead your goal is to connect with those who do need to hear your message and value your perspective.
2. Small impact, big difference: When the fear creeps in, go back to your mission. If even one person benefits from your message, it’s worth sharing.
3. Normalise Rejection as Part of Growth: Rejection or indifference is a normal part of putting yourself out there, and it happens to everyone. Instead of seeing it as a reflection of your worth, view it as part of the learning process. What makes a difference is how you move forward despite it.
4. Let Go of Perfection: Being vulnerable is hard, but people connect with realness, authenticity and imperfection.
I was all ready to be haha AI we still have our emotional intelligence, but to be honest, I thought it was spot on and actually spurred me on to start writing this blog (I’m not sharing it with ChatGPT though as I’m now scared it will update its memory and start to actually know me, argh). If I can help even just one person, it was worth being real.
** Messaging: I either message people back instantly, or not for days…weeks…months. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or want to spend time with you, quite the opposite! So if I haven’t got back to you, please try again.
***Oh and last embarrassing example (Sorry, couldn’t help myself): I started doing the ADHD Coaching course recently and told about 10 people I’m doing it and if they know anyone who’d like to be coached, let me know. I created a website, posted 4 things on Instagram and I’ve had about 100 people visit my website. But not a single person has contacted me through the website to say “Yes please, can I have coaching, it sounds awesome”. I got in an RSD spiral and thought, ugh I need to quit this, no one wants me to coach them. Luckily, the ADHD Coaching course has a whole section on RSD (Because it’s a massive thing for people with ADHD funnily enough) and I reframed this to think “Duh, I haven’t actually marketed myself, of course no one has booked with me”.
**** Fun fact: The word “Dysphoria” is Greek for “Difficult to bear”.
Footnotes
Common symptoms according to Google.
With the caveat that “These symptoms can vary in intensity from person to person, and not everyone with RSD will experience all of them”.
Intense Emotional Pain: Feelings of sadness, anger, or worthlessness
Physical Discomfort: Like a heavy chest, racing heart, or knot in the stomach
Avoidance Behaviours: Going to great lengths to avoid situations, conversations, or interactions that might lead to rejection or criticism.
Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning and analysing social cues, looking for signs of potential rejection.
Low Self-Esteem: A pervasive sense of inadequacy and self-doubt
Negative Self-Talk: Engaging in harsh self-criticism and negative self-talk
Defensive Reactions: Reacting defensively or with anger
Emotional Instability: Rapid shifts in mood and emotions
Social Isolation: Withdrawing from social interactions or relationships to minimise the risk of experiencing rejection.
Some common triggers:
Perceived rejection from others
Criticism, whether constructive or not
Failing to meet your own standards or expectations
Social situations where you feels judged or excluded
Experiences of failure or making mistakes
Not being included in social events
Lack of response to comments or ideas (E.g. In meetings or on social media)
Fear of disappointing or letting down others
Conflict or arguments in relationships
Comparison with others and feelings of inadequacy
